Comedian Archives - Pictorial Quotes

Comedian

One way to organize your thoughts is to tidy up, even if it’s in places where it makes no sense at all.

Comedian, Ursus Wehrli

Ursus Wehrli

Comedians take a neat situation and turn it into a mess. And in my books I do the same thing, but it’s the other way around. I like to mess around with mess. A mess is only a mess because someone tells you it is.

Comedian, Ursus Wehrli

Ursus Wehrli

What I do, basically, is look at things from different angles. That is what I do on stage comedically, and that is what I do in art. I was always fascinated by the structure of things, why things work this way and not that way. So I like to see how things behave if you change the point of view.

Comedian, Ursus Wehrli

Ursus Wehrli

I am always fascinated by the structure of things; why do things work this way and not that way.

Comedian, Ursus Wehrli

Ursus Wehrli

I like to turn things upside down, to watch pictures and situations from another perspective.

Comedian, Ursus Wehrli

Ursus Wehrli

Our everyday lives are filled with complex decisions. We long for simplicity and ordinariness.

Comedian, Ursus Wehrli

Ursus Wehrli

I wasn’t the crazy kid bouncing off the walls, I would just sit back a make comments and I made people laugh.

Comedian, Tom Segura

Tom Segura

I was about 17 or 18 years old, and Chris Rock’s ‘Bring the Pain’ came out, and I was obsessed. You know, it just hit on everything that was going on at that time and was such an in-the-moment special, and he knocked it out of the park.

Comedian, Tom Segura

Tom Segura

It’s fun when you’ve opened for someone at a venue, and then years go by, and now you’re headlining.

Comedian, Tom Segura

Tom Segura

I’m really happy when I’m actively creating things. When I’m frustrated and not excited, it’s because I haven’t written anything in a month or so.

Comedian, Tom Segura

Tom Segura

Ninety percent of my material is made on stage, but I feel like you’re missing something by abandoning sitting down to write entirely.

Comedian, Tom Segura

Tom Segura

I know there are a lot of comics that put their kids all over social media, but I think it’s weird. There are over 100,000 people following you. To me, it feels like you should probably tone that down.

Comedian, Tom Segura

Tom Segura

You get such a visceral thrill driving a race car. You think you’ve driven, and then you’re like, ‘Oh, I was doing something for 20 years that I didn’t realize I hadn’t experienced the real version of.’

Comedian, Tom Segura

Tom Segura

Standup is essentially part of your personality with the volume turned up.

Comedian, Tom Segura

Tom Segura

The thing for me is that my natural state is to be reserved and not share.

Comedian, Tom Segura

Tom Segura

I don’t want to lose weight to live long or be healthy. I just want to be able to make fun of fat people again and know for sure that they’re fatter than me.

Comedian, Tom Segura

Tom Segura

I’m a sarcastic, observational storyteller.

Comedian, Tom Segura

Tom Segura

I don’t switch my act up to win over the crowd. I’m more like, ‘You came here… this is what I do.’ I dig my heels in harder if I feel like they are not on board.

Comedian, Tom Segura

Tom Segura

I like my shame straight up and honest, and nobody does it better than In-N-Out Burger. You go to In-N-Out Burger, and they ask you the most shameful question in fast food. ‘I’ll have a burger, fries and a Coke.’ ‘Will you be eating in the car?’ ‘Yeah. I think so.’

Comedian, Tom Segura

Tom Segura

I would trade 20 white babies for an Asian baby. If I’m ever rich, I want a closet full of Asian babies. And I’ll just pull them out whenever I’m feeling down, you know? All kinds. Korean ones. Chinese ones. Vietnamese – not so much. My dad was in the war, and I hold a grudge.

Comedian, Tom Segura

Tom Segura

A lot of times, you land in a city, and you’re like, ‘This is not my people.’ I’m gonna do the show, but you don’t feel like this is for you. And then, some places, you just go and just fall into a groove, and you’re like, ‘This feels right.’

Comedian, Tom Segura

Tom Segura

Vancouver just feels comfortable to me.

Comedian, Tom Segura

Tom Segura

I think being funny was a coping mechanism because I was always the new kid in school.

Comedian, Tom Segura

Tom Segura

Sleep is important for a comic – like it is for a lot of people.

Comedian, Tom Segura

Tom Segura

It’s okay for me to make jokes about disabled people and people with horrible diseases because they make me uncomfortable, and I don’t want to be like them.

Comedian, Tom Segura

Tom Segura

When you’re a comic doing a special, it’s like you’re directing your first movie.

Comedian, Tom Segura

Tom Segura

When you shoot a special, you have no idea what’s going to happen, and the fact that I got to do the first one with Comedy Dynamics was a roll of the dice. It was a game changer for me professionally.

Comedian, Tom Segura

Tom Segura

If you’re going to wear a cowboy hat, you’re going to have to go all the way. You should have livestock around you, settle all of your disputes with a pistol, and ride a horse absolutely everywhere.

Comedian, Tom Segura

Tom Segura

People will say, ‘What’s your favorite part of Cincinnati?’ I’m like, ‘I was nine, man. I liked recess and having snacks. I didn’t go anywhere. I was a kid.’

Comedian, Tom Segura

Tom Segura

Here’s some advice: if something really embarrassing happens to your kid, don’t take it on national TV.

Comedian, Tom Segura

Tom Segura

I’ve always worked toward, and felt comfortable with, you know, pausing and guiding the audience on a longer bit.

Comedian, Tom Segura

Tom Segura

I’m not the nicest guy on stage.

Comedian, Tom Segura

Tom Segura

I think I’m a decent person.

Comedian, Tom Segura

Tom Segura

I’ll never be a TV writer.

Comedian, Tom Segura

Tom Segura

I could see myself being on a TV show, but I think touring is something I’ll always do.

Comedian, Tom Segura

Tom Segura

I think, to be a great conversationalist, you need to be interested in being in said conversation. Oddly enough, I think you need to be a great listener, and I do think I’m a good listener. I think that’s my asset – I always listen to people when I talk to them, and that’s a big thing you have to have in life and in podcasts.

Comedian, Tom Segura

Tom Segura

I’ve never been a big party guy or super social.

Comedian, Tom Segura

Tom Segura

I don’t like big events and crowded areas. I’m almost a curmudgeonly old man in that aspect. I’ve been like that forever.

Comedian, Tom Segura

Tom Segura

Every person learns with time and experience.

Comedian, Tom Segura

Tom Segura

I used to do much shorter jokes a lot more.

Comedian, Tom Segura

Tom Segura

You should make travel as comfortable as possible.

Comedian, Tom Segura

Tom Segura

Traveling with kids is tough. My best advice is don’t do it.

Comedian, Tom Segura

Tom Segura

I’m definitely a jaded traveler, but you try to make the best of what you know about the experience. Like, I know how to pack a bag. I know that checking a bag is for rookies.

Comedian, Tom Segura

Tom Segura

I always like it when I eat myself out of breath. That’s a good boost to my day. You know, I’m eating, and I go, ‘Oooohhh.’ It’s better a few moments later when you get to think about it, when you’re like, ‘Why did I just stop to take a deep breath? Oh yeah, my body also needs air.’

Comedian, Tom Segura

Tom Segura

When you tour as much as I do, you’re always on the road, and you tend to gravitate toward cities where you’re like, ‘Every time I’m in that city, the shows are fun.’

Comedian, Tom Segura

Tom Segura

The ‘New Testament’, now, I quite liked. Jesus had a lot of good things to say, and as for his father, he must have been highly thought of by the community to work with wood – a material that couldn’t have been widely available in Palestine.

Comedian, Terry Pratchett

Terry Pratchett

‘Nation’ was one that I’d have killed myself if I hadn’t written it. It was absolutely important to me that I wrote it. It was good for my soul.

Comedian, Terry Pratchett

Terry Pratchett

I got quite annoyed after the Haiti earthquake. A baby was taken from the wreckage and people said it was a miracle. It would have been a miracle had God stopped the earthquake. More wonderful was that a load of evolved monkeys got together to save the life of a child that wasn’t theirs.

Comedian, Terry Pratchett

Terry Pratchett

Neither of my parents went to church, but they did everything that you needed to do to be Christian. That’s something a Quaker would call an intimation of the divine.

Comedian, Terry Pratchett

Terry Pratchett

Christ managed to boil down an awful lot of commandments to a few very simple rules for living. It’s when you go backwards through the ‘begats’ and the Garden of Eden, and you start thinking, ‘Hang on, that’s a big punishment for eating one lousy apple… There’s a human-rights issue.’

Comedian, Terry Pratchett

Terry Pratchett

We have been so successful in the past century at the art of living longer and staying alive that we have forgotten how to die. Too often we learn the hard way. As soon as the baby boomers pass pensionable age, their lesson will be harsher still.

Comedian, Terry Pratchett

Terry Pratchett

It occurred to me that at one point it was like I had two diseases – one was Alzheimer’s, and the other was knowing I had Alzheimer’s.

Comedian, Terry Pratchett

Terry Pratchett

I became a journalist at 17. A few hours later, I saw my first dead body, which was somewhat… colourful. That’s when I learned you can go on throwing up after you run out of things to throw up.

Comedian, Terry Pratchett

Terry Pratchett

I think the best thing I ever did with my life was stand up and say I’ve got Alzheimer’s.

Comedian, Terry Pratchett

Terry Pratchett

I have a living will and I have friends, and I have money and I have hope.

Comedian, Terry Pratchett

Terry Pratchett

I don’t think about the end game. I’ve got lots to occupy my mind. It’s the rage that keeps me going.

Comedian, Terry Pratchett

Terry Pratchett

There are things around, and I know where they can be got quite easily, but I quite like waking up to the sunshine.

Comedian, Terry Pratchett

Terry Pratchett

Plot exposition that can be gently wound out by the authorial voice and internal monologue of a character in the length of a page has to be delivered in a matter of seconds on the stage.

Comedian, Terry Pratchett

Terry Pratchett

There is a rumour going around that I have found God. I think this is unlikely because I have enough difficulty finding my keys, and there is empirical evidence that they exist.

Comedian, Terry Pratchett

Terry Pratchett

I read the ‘Old Testament’ all the way through when I was about 13 and was horrified. A few months afterwards I read ‘The Origin Of Species’, hallucinating very mildly because I was in bed with flu at the time. Despite that, or because of that, it all made perfect sense.

Comedian, Terry Pratchett

Terry Pratchett

Evolution was far more thrilling to me than the biblical account. Who would not rather be a rising ape than a falling angel? To my juvenile eyes, Darwin was proved true every day. It doesn’t take much to make us flip back into monkeys again.

Comedian, Terry Pratchett

Terry Pratchett

When I was a kid, I read the science-fiction shelves, and I read the fantasy shelves.

Comedian, Terry Pratchett

Terry Pratchett

In my heart, I’m just a kid from the council houses. I can remember the old cottage and my dad coming round with the tin bath. I’m not a rich man.

Comedian, Terry Pratchett

Terry Pratchett

I write books back to back, and I work very hard on them.

Comedian, Terry Pratchett

Terry Pratchett

Money is an unavoidable consequence, but it isn’t the reason I write; if it was, I wouldn’t have written any of the YA books, because advances in that field are small compared to what I’d got now for an ‘adult’ DW.

Comedian, Terry Pratchett

Terry Pratchett

Tolkien is eminently filmable, I think. ‘The Lord of the Rings’ is intensely… landscaped. But ‘Discworld’ is about dialogue, which is one reason why it might be hard to film.

Comedian, Terry Pratchett

Terry Pratchett

By the time you’ve reached your sixties, you do know that one day you will die, and knowing that is at least the beginning of wisdom.

Comedian, Terry Pratchett

Terry Pratchett

I don’t believe in the war god of the Israelites. He’s a bogeyman. Jesus preached the golden rule, by and large.

Comedian, Terry Pratchett

Terry Pratchett

There is a soak-the-rich attitude in the air, a feeling that if you have a lot of money you must have got it by some ghastly means. I can quite happily say there was never any family money. All the money we got was mine, just from writing books.

Comedian, Terry Pratchett

Terry Pratchett

The harder I work, the luckier I become.

Comedian, Terry Pratchett

Terry Pratchett

Seven hundred thousand people who have dementia in this country are not heard. I’m fortunate; I can be heard. Regrettably, it’s amazing how people listen if you stand up in public and give away $1 million for research into the disease, as I have done.

Comedian, Terry Pratchett

Terry Pratchett

It’s useful to go out of this world and see it from the perspective of another one.

Comedian, Terry Pratchett

Terry Pratchett

I was a very keen reader of science fiction, and during the time I was going to libraries, it was good, written by people who knew their science.

Comedian, Terry Pratchett

Terry Pratchett

Siren voices tell me, ‘You don’t have to keep going on.’ And then you think, ‘I’m a writer. What do I do? Sit there watching my wife clean up?’ I don’t know. I like being a writer.

Comedian, Terry Pratchett

Terry Pratchett

Journalism makes you think fast. You have to speak to people in all walks of life. Especially local journalism.

Comedian, Terry Pratchett

Terry Pratchett

Truthfully, without over-egging it, as I often do, the library and journalism, those things made me who I am.

Comedian, Terry Pratchett

Terry Pratchett

I believe everyone should have a good death. You know, with your grandchildren around you, a bit of sobbing. Because after all, tears are appropriate on a death bed. And you say goodbye to your loved ones, making certain that one of them has been left behind to look after the shop.

Comedian, Terry Pratchett

Terry Pratchett

As far as I’m concerned, I’m a writer who’s writing books, and therefore, I don’t want to die. You’d miss the end of the book wouldn’t you? You can’t die with an unfinished book.

Comedian, Terry Pratchett

Terry Pratchett

I’ve often felt depressed; everyone feels depressed.

Comedian, Terry Pratchett

Terry Pratchett

There can be no better grounding for a lifetime as an author than to see humanity in all its various guises through the lens of the reporter for the town.

Comedian, Terry Pratchett

Terry Pratchett

There are some people who hate my guts. But that goes with the territory.

Comedian, Terry Pratchett

Terry Pratchett

I do not, in fact, use many puns. Certainly there are far fewer than people believe. But I suspect the ones I do occasionally use tend to hang around in people’s memories for a while.

Comedian, Terry Pratchett

Terry Pratchett

I think I work much harder on the children’s books. I suppose I enjoy that. I find it interesting that although there are more than 30 books in the Discworld series, it is the four that were written for children which have won the awards. I’ve never been quite certain why this is.

Comedian, Terry Pratchett

Terry Pratchett

I think we are waiting for an e-book that even non-techies can be comfortable with. From my point of view, the biggest change is that I don’t have to spend most of the day printing out and packaging a manuscript. I think I almost miss that.

Comedian, Terry Pratchett

Terry Pratchett

If you are going to write, say, fantasy – stop reading fantasy. You’ve already read too much. Read other things; read westerns, read history, read anything that seems interesting, because if you only read fantasy and then you start to write fantasy, all you’re going to do is recycle the same old stuff and move it around a bit.

Comedian, Terry Pratchett

Terry Pratchett

You have to have really wide reading habits and pay attention to the news and just everything that’s going on in the world: you need to. If you get this right, then the writing is a piece of cake.

Comedian, Terry Pratchett

Terry Pratchett

Nothing I can say or devise, and nothing anybody else can say or devise, is going to be perfect.

Comedian, Terry Pratchett

Terry Pratchett

I don’t really plan. I’m almost intuitive about things.

Comedian, Terry Pratchett

Terry Pratchett

Often I sort of work up and down the manuscript. I sometimes used to go ahead of myself to see what was going to happen next, to make certain it fits what was going to be happening soon.

Comedian, Terry Pratchett

Terry Pratchett

I was once a journalist. And I think of myself as a journalist, and that’s it. You tell the truth. I even wrote a book called ‘The Truth’.

Comedian, Terry Pratchett

Terry Pratchett

I am a great fan of science, but I cannot do a quadratic equation.

Comedian, Terry Pratchett

Terry Pratchett

Anger is wonderful. It keeps you going. I’m angry about bankers. About the government.

Comedian, Terry Pratchett

Terry Pratchett

For an author, the nice characters aren’t much fun. What you want are the screwed up characters. You know, the characters that are constantly wondering if what they are doing is the right thing, characters that are not only screwed up but are self-tapping screws. They’re doing it for themselves.

Comedian, Terry Pratchett

Terry Pratchett

The thing is, ‘Discworld’ had been going on for a very long time, and I’ve written children’s books as well. Usually when people have a really big series they franchise it, which I thought is a bit of a no-no, so I thought what I’d do is I’d franchise it to myself.

Comedian, Terry Pratchett

Terry Pratchett

One thing that writers have in common is that they are readers first. They have read lots and lots of stuff, because they’re just infested with lots of stuff.

Comedian, Terry Pratchett

Terry Pratchett

In all seriousness, people think that it’s the ideas that are important. Well, everyone has ideas, all the time. I tend to write mine down and remember them, but at some point you have to apply the bum to the seat and knock out about sixty five thousand words – that’s how long a novel is.

Comedian, Terry Pratchett

Terry Pratchett

That’s the most terrible thing about being an author – standing there at your mother’s funeral, but you don’t switch the author off. So your own innermost thoughts are grist for the mill. Who was it said – one of the famous lady novelists – ‘unhappy is the family that contains an author’?

Comedian, Terry Pratchett

Terry Pratchett

I grow as many of our vegetables as I can, because my granddad was a professional gardener, and it’s in the blood.

Comedian, Terry Pratchett

Terry Pratchett

The only superstition I have is that I must start a new book on the same day that I finish the last one, even if it’s just a few notes in a file. I dread not having work in progress.

Comedian, Terry Pratchett

Terry Pratchett

I’m not really good at fun-to-know, human interest stuff. We’re not ‘celebrities’, whose life itself is a performance. Good or bad or ugly, we are our words. They’re what people meet.

Comedian, Terry Pratchett

Terry Pratchett

I’ve got wide tastes, but I don’t like jazz.

Comedian, Terry Pratchett

Terry Pratchett

I like being a writer.

Comedian, Terry Pratchett

Terry Pratchett

I was a very keen reader of science fiction.

Comedian, Terry Pratchett

Terry Pratchett

If the government ever imposes a tax on books – and I wouldn’t put it past them – I’m in dead trouble.

Comedian, Terry Pratchett

Terry Pratchett

Fantasy is uni-age. You can start it in the creche, and it follows you to death.

Comedian, Terry Pratchett

Terry Pratchett

It’s not morbid to talk about death. Most people don’t worry about death, they worry about a bad death.

Comedian, Terry Pratchett

Terry Pratchett

Knowing that you are going to die is, I suspect, the beginning of wisdom.

Comedian, Terry Pratchett

Terry Pratchett

Previous generations understood about death, and undoubtedly would have seen a reasonable amount of death. Once you get into the Victorian era, you might well have seen the funerals of many of your siblings before you were very old.

Comedian, Terry Pratchett

Terry Pratchett

I got into science fiction by being interested in astronomy first.

Comedian, Terry Pratchett

Terry Pratchett

When you’re all singing together, it brings things together. I know the songs that my grandfather and my father sang.

Comedian, Terry Pratchett

Terry Pratchett

I can no longer type, so I use TalkingPoint and Dragon Dictate. It’s a speech-to-text program, and there’s an add-on for talking which some guys came up with.

Comedian, Terry Pratchett

Terry Pratchett

There was once a caustic comment from someone suggesting I was breeding a new race. Fans from different countries have married, amazing things like that. I’ve been to some of the weddings. I went to one here the other day, a pagan ceremony.

Comedian, Terry Pratchett

Terry Pratchett

The most watched programme on the BBC, after the news, is probably ‘Doctor Who.’ What has happened is that science fiction has been subsumed into modern literature. There are grandparents out there who speak Klingon, who are quite capable of holding down a job. No one would think twice now about a parallel universe.

Comedian, Terry Pratchett

Terry Pratchett

I think when people mean that Discworld books have become darker they really mean the series is growing up. In ‘The Colour of Magic’ most of the city is set alight. It’s a joke, in much the same way that the Earth is destroyed almost at the start of Douglas Adams’s ‘The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy.’

Comedian, Terry Pratchett

Terry Pratchett

You can’t build a plot out of jokes. You need tragic relief. And you need to let people know that when a lot of frightened people are running around with edged weaponry, there are deaths. Stupid deaths, usually. I’m not writing ‘The A-Team’ – if there’s a fight going on, people will get hurt. Not letting this happen would be a betrayal.

Comedian, Terry Pratchett

Terry Pratchett

I like writing. I get cranky when I can’t. Yes, I write books back to back, and I work very hard on them.

Comedian, Terry Pratchett

Terry Pratchett

Mum had done everything you need to educate a kid. She made me a kid who likes books and she told me about ‘Wind in the Willows’ and read it and I thought this is weird, Rat, Mole, Toad and my first ever Bolshie thought – you know about ‘The Wind in the Willows.’

Comedian, Terry Pratchett

Terry Pratchett

It cannot be said often enough that science fiction as a genre is incredibly educational – and I’m speaking the written science fiction, not ‘Star Trek.’ Science fiction writers tend to fill their books if they’re clever with little bits of interesting stuff and real stuff.

Comedian, Terry Pratchett

Terry Pratchett

I’m glad a genre writer has got a knighthood, but stunned that it was me.

Comedian, Terry Pratchett

Terry Pratchett

When you read, I’m sure you don’t realize that your eyes are going backwards and forwards and to this place and that place. Mine don’t do that.

Comedian, Terry Pratchett

Terry Pratchett

An author writes a book, and that’s the book at that point. And if the author writes the book again, then somehow something has gone wrong, if you see what I mean.

Comedian, Terry Pratchett

Terry Pratchett

In the first book of my Discworld series, published more than 26 years ago, I introduced Death as a character; there was nothing particularly new about this – death has featured in art and literature since medieval times, and for centuries we have had a fascination with the Grim Reaper.

Comedian, Terry Pratchett

Terry Pratchett

The bravest person I’ve ever met was a young boy going through massive amounts of treatment for a very rare, complex and unpleasant disease. I last saw him at a Discworld convention, where he chose to take part in a game as an assassin. He died not long afterwards, and I wish I had his fortitude and sense of style.

Comedian, Terry Pratchett

Terry Pratchett

I think it does Discworld good if I don’t write about it all the time: sometimes you have to get it out of your system.

Comedian, Terry Pratchett

Terry Pratchett

I must have read every issue of ‘Punch’ published in the 20th century, and I think in the process I picked up the true voice of English humour – that amiable, fairly liberal, laconic voice which you find in something like ‘Three Men in a Boat.’

Comedian, Terry Pratchett

Terry Pratchett

My own books drive themselves. I know roughly where a book is going to end, but essentially the story develops under my fingers. It’s just a matter of joining the dots.

Comedian, Terry Pratchett

Terry Pratchett

I’ve always felt that what I have going for me is not my imagination, because everyone has an imagination. What I have is a relentlessly controlled imagination. What looks like wild invention is actually quite carefully calculated.

Comedian, Terry Pratchett

Terry Pratchett

I have to write because if I don’t get something down then after a while I feel it’s going to bang the side of my head off.

Comedian, Terry Pratchett

Terry Pratchett

I particularly admire are Mark Twain and Jerome K. Jerome who wrote in a certain tone of voice which was humane and understanding of humanity, but always ready to annotate its little foibles. I think I’d lay my cards down on that, and say that it’s that that I’m trying to do.

Comedian, Terry Pratchett

Terry Pratchett

‘Discworld’ is taking something that you know is ridiculous and treating it as if it is serious, to see if something interesting happens when you do so.

Comedian, Terry Pratchett

Terry Pratchett

My advice is this. For Christ’s sake, don’t write a book that is suitable for a kid of 12 years old, because the kids who read who are 12 years old are reading books for adults. I read all of the James Bond books when I was about 11, which was approximately the right time to read James Bond books.

Comedian, Terry Pratchett

Terry Pratchett

The ideal death, I think, is what was the ideal Victorian death, you know, with your grandchildren around you, a bit of sobbing. And you say goodbye to your loved ones, making certain that one of them has been left behind to look after the shop.

Comedian, Terry Pratchett

Terry Pratchett

You can’t die with an unfinished book.

Comedian, Terry Pratchett

Terry Pratchett

It seems sensible to me that we should look to the medical profession, that over the centuries has helped us to live longer and healthier lives, to help us die peacefully among our loved ones in our own home without a long stay in God’s waiting room.

Comedian, Terry Pratchett

Terry Pratchett

I’m a fantasy writer, called a fantasy writer. But there’s very little, apart from one or two basic concepts in ‘I Shall Wear Midnight,’ which are in fact fantasy. You have sticks that fly, but they’re practical broomsticks, with a bloody great strap that you can hold on to so you don’t fall off. And you try not to use them too often.

Comedian, Terry Pratchett

Terry Pratchett

I’ve lost both parents in the last two years, so you pick up on that stuff. That’s the most terrible thing about being an author – standing there at your mother’s funeral, but you don’t switch the author off. So your own innermost thoughts are grist for the mill.

Comedian, Terry Pratchett

Terry Pratchett

What is normal? Normal was yesterday. If you lose a leg, one day you’re hopping around on one leg, so you know the difference.

Comedian, Terry Pratchett

Terry Pratchett

No one’s policing their own minds more than an author. You spend a lot of time in your own head analysing what you think about things, and a philosophy comes.

Comedian, Terry Pratchett

Terry Pratchett

I believe it should be possible for someone stricken with a serious and ultimately fatal illness to choose to die peacefully with medical help, rather than suffer.

Comedian, Terry Pratchett

Terry Pratchett

I intend, before the endgame looms, to die sitting in a chair in my own garden with a glass of brandy in my hand and Thomas Tallis on the iPod. Oh, and since this is England, I had better add, ‘If wet, in the library.’ Who could say that this is bad?

Comedian, Terry Pratchett

Terry Pratchett

I am certain no one sets out to be cruel, but our treatment of the elderly ill seems to have no philosophy to it. As a society, we should establish whether we have a policy of life at any cost.

Comedian, Terry Pratchett

Terry Pratchett

It is often said that before you die your life passes before your eyes. It is in fact true. It’s called living.

Comedian, Terry Pratchett

Terry Pratchett

Most gods throw dice, but Fate plays chess, and you don’t find out til too late that he’s been playing with two queens all along.

Comedian, Terry Pratchett

Terry Pratchett

Genius is always allowed some leeway, once the hammer has been pried from its hands and the blood has been cleaned up.

Comedian, Terry Pratchett

Terry Pratchett

It’s not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewere, would much rather you weren’t doing.

Comedian, Terry Pratchett

Terry Pratchett

The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it.

Comedian, Terry Pratchett

Terry Pratchett

Light thinks it travels faster than anything but it is wrong. No matter how fast light travels, it finds the darkness has always got there first, and is waiting for it.

Comedian, Terry Pratchett

Terry Pratchett

I regarded finding I had a form of Alzheimer’s as an insult and decided to do my best to marshal any kind of forces I could against this wretched disease. I have posterior cortical atrophy or PCA. They say, rather ingenuously, that if you have Alzheimer’s it’s the best form of Alzheimer’s to have.

Comedian, Terry Pratchett

Terry Pratchett

I know three people who have got better after a brain tumour. I haven’t heard of anyone who’s got better from Alzheimer’s.

Comedian, Terry Pratchett

Terry Pratchett

It seems that when you have cancer you are a brave battler against the disease, but when you have Alzheimer’s you are an old fart. That’s how people see you. It makes you feel quite alone.

Comedian, Terry Pratchett

Terry Pratchett

The baby boomers are getting older, and will stay older for longer. And they will run right into the dementia firing range. How will a society cope? Especially a society that can’t so readily rely on those stable family relationships that traditionally provided the backbone of care?

Comedian, Terry Pratchett

Terry Pratchett

If it wasn’t for the fun and money, I really don’t know why I’d bother.

Comedian, Terry Pratchett

Terry Pratchett

In the beginning there was nothing, which exploded.

Comedian, Terry Pratchett

Terry Pratchett

Sooner or later we’re all someone’s dog.

Comedian, Terry Pratchett

Terry Pratchett

The truth may be out there, but lies are inside your head.

Comedian, Terry Pratchett

Terry Pratchett

Everything starts somewhere, although many physicists disagree.

Comedian, Terry Pratchett

Terry Pratchett

Taxation is just a sophisticated way of demanding money with menaces.

Comedian, Terry Pratchett

Terry Pratchett

Sometimes it is better to light a flamethrower than curse the darkness.

Comedian, Terry Pratchett

Terry Pratchett

In ancient times cats were worshipped as gods; they have not forgotten this.

Comedian, Terry Pratchett

Terry Pratchett

The pen is mightier than the sword if the sword is very short, and the pen is very sharp.

Comedian, Terry Pratchett

Terry Pratchett

The intelligence of the creature known as a crowd, is the square root of the number of people in it.

Comedian, Terry Pratchett

Terry Pratchett

Never trust any complicated cocktail that remains perfectly clear until the last ingredient goes in, and then immediately clouds.

Comedian, Terry Pratchett

Terry Pratchett

I didn’t go to university. Didn’t even finish A-levels. But I have sympathy for those who did.

Comedian, Terry Pratchett

Terry Pratchett

‘Educational’ refers to the process, not the object. Although, come to think of it, some of my teachers could easily have been replaced by a cheeseburger.

Comedian, Terry Pratchett

Terry Pratchett

Over the centuries, mankind has tried many ways of combating the forces of evil… prayer, fasting, good works and so on. Up until Doom, no one seemed to have thought about the double-barrel shotgun. Eat leaden death, demon.

Comedian, Terry Pratchett

Terry Pratchett

Mind you, the Elizabethans had so many words for the female genitals that it is quite hard to speak a sentence of modern English without inadvertently mentioning at least three of them.

Comedian, Terry Pratchett

Terry Pratchett

Go on, prove me wrong. Destroy the fabric of the universe. See if I care.

Comedian, Terry Pratchett

Terry Pratchett

I think I would like to go into modelling. Of course, I don’t know how to do it, and wouldn’t be any good at it if I did, so I’m going to employ someone to walk the catwalks on my behalf. It would still be me, of course.

Comedian, Terry Pratchett

Terry Pratchett

Eight years involved with the nuclear industry have taught me that when nothing can possible go wrong and every avenue has been covered, then is the time to buy a house on the next continent.

Comedian, Terry Pratchett

Terry Pratchett

Dickens, as you know, never got round to starting his home page.

Comedian, Terry Pratchett

Terry Pratchett

You can’t remember the plot of the Dr Who movie because it didn’t have one, just a lot of plot holes strung together. It did have a lot of flashing lights, though.

Comedian, Terry Pratchett

Terry Pratchett

Fantasy is an exercise bicycle for the mind. It might not take you anywhere, but it tones up the muscles that can. Of course, I could be wrong.

Comedian, Terry Pratchett

Terry Pratchett

Opera happens because a large number of things amazingly fail to go wrong.

Comedian, Terry Pratchett

Terry Pratchett

Freedom without limits is just a word.

Comedian, Terry Pratchett

Terry Pratchett

I’ll be more enthusiastic about encouraging thinking outside the box when there’s evidence of any thinking going on inside it.

Comedian, Terry Pratchett

Terry Pratchett

My experience in Amsterdam is that cyclists ride where the hell they like and aim in a state of rage at all pedestrians while ringing their bell loudly, the concept of avoiding people being foreign to them.

Comedian, Terry Pratchett

Terry Pratchett

I have, before now, waited for a pen to perform a macro.

Comedian, Terry Pratchett

Terry Pratchett

I think perhaps the most important problem is that we are trying to understand the fundamental workings of the universe via a language devised for telling one another when the best fruit is.

Comedian, Terry Pratchett

Terry Pratchett

Personally, I think the best motto for an educational establishment is: ‘Or Would You Rather Be a Mule?’

Comedian, Terry Pratchett

Terry Pratchett

This isn’t life in the fast lane, it’s life in the oncoming traffic.

Comedian, Terry Pratchett

Terry Pratchett

I mean, I wouldn’t pay more than a couple of quid to see me, and I’m me.

Comedian, Terry Pratchett

Terry Pratchett

Writing is the most fun you can have by yourself.

Comedian, Terry Pratchett

Terry Pratchett

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

Comedian, Terry Pratchett

Terry Pratchett

Build a man a fire, and he’ll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.

Comedian, Terry Pratchett

Terry Pratchett

Five exclamation marks, the sure sign of an insane mind.

Comedian, Terry Pratchett

Terry Pratchett

He was the sort of person who stood on mountaintops during thunderstorms in wet copper armour shouting ‘All the Gods are bastards.’

Comedian, Terry Pratchett

Terry Pratchett

You can’t trample infidels when you’re a tortoise. I mean, all you could do is give them a meaningful look.

Comedian, Terry Pratchett

Terry Pratchett

They say a little knowledge is a dangerous thing, but it’s not one half so bad as a lot of ignorance.

Comedian, Terry Pratchett

Terry Pratchett

One day a guy tried to rob me on the street, and I had no money. So I charged him.

Comedian, Steven Wright

Steven Wright

Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring… ‘How to Build a Boat.’

Comedian, Steven Wright

Steven Wright

Good jokes are gems. A good idea is hard to come by. I couldn’t give them to someone else, even for money. It just wouldn’t seem right.

Comedian, Steven Wright

Steven Wright

All those who believe in psychokinesis – raise my hand.

Comedian, Steven Wright

Steven Wright

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Comedian, Steven Wright

Steven Wright

If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.

Comedian, Steven Wright

Steven Wright

OK, so what’s the speed of dark?

Comedian, Steven Wright

Steven Wright

I have two pairs of reading glasses. One pair is for reading fiction, the other for non-fiction. I’ve read the Bible twice wearing each pair, and it’s the same.

Comedian, Steven Wright

Steven Wright

I’ve been thinking of humorous things since I was… I can’t remember when. All the way through elementary school, all the way through junior high, all the way through high school, through college and after college, I was thinking of the same kinds of things that I say in front of an audience now.

Comedian, Steven Wright

Steven Wright

Comedians are sociologists. We’re pointing out stuff that the general public doesn’t even stop to think about, looking at life in slow-motion and questioning everything we see.

Comedian, Steven Wright

Steven Wright

I don’t feel that I’m explaining the world or teaching people anything. And I’m not trying to be a mirror, showing them what’s really going on the world. All I’m trying to do is think of stuff that’s funny, just like when I’m kidding around with my friends.

Comedian, Steven Wright

Steven Wright

When I was a kid, I never did funny things to get attention. I was never a funny person. I was never, like, ‘Oh, wow. I could say this some day on stage.’

Comedian, Steven Wright

Steven Wright

When I was 16… I worked in a pet store. And they fired me because… they had three snakes in there, and one day I braided them.

Comedian, Steven Wright

Steven Wright

I wear a hat on stage so that people won’t be blinded by the reflection from my head. Also, if I don’t wear a hat, there’s no way that the hat can be at that level by itself on the stage.

Comedian, Steven Wright

Steven Wright

My secret to staying young… Having no sense of time.

Comedian, Steven Wright

Steven Wright

I don’t like politicians, and I don’t like politics. I definitely don’t want to be associated with any of them.

Comedian, Steven Wright

Steven Wright

I just have a relationship with my imagination. It’s like my friend, almost.

Comedian, Steven Wright

Steven Wright

When I die, I’m gonna leave my body to science fiction.

Comedian, Steven Wright

Steven Wright

To me, comedy is just twisting reality. It’s commenting or observing or twisting life.

Comedian, Steven Wright

Steven Wright

You know those things that you throw the twigs into and it spits them out? That’s what I do. The branches are like life, and I throw them into my head and some of it comes out as humor.

Comedian, Steven Wright

Steven Wright

I’m addicted to placebos.

Comedian, Steven Wright

Steven Wright

I was arrested for lip-syncing karaoke.

Comedian, Steven Wright

Steven Wright

When I’m on stage, it’s really intense. My mind is going a million miles an hour, trying to remember my act, trying to say it all the right way. It’s funny how different it looks and how it’s happening. There are three Fellini circuses in my head, and outwardly it looks like I’m going to get a bagel.

Comedian, Steven Wright

Steven Wright

If I ever had twins, I’d use one for parts.

Comedian, Steven Wright

Steven Wright

People may think I’m trying something new by telling stories, but they’re just jokes connected to give the illusion of stories. But really, I just continue using my imagination and creating. That’s what I do.

Comedian, Steven Wright

Steven Wright

It seems like we wake up and it’s a race until you get to bed. It gets to you after a while and you think, ‘What the hell am I doing?’

Comedian, Steven Wright

Steven Wright

I always thought Johnny Carson was just brilliant, and I used to watch him and all the comics that would be on the show every night – and I’d dream about it being me.

Comedian, Steven Wright

Steven Wright

The things I talk about and explain couldn’t happen – yet, they don’t seem impossible – you could say I talk about the world in an abstract perspective. But then, the world is basically insane – and it’s trying to pass itself off as being a sane place. I show it for what it is.

Comedian, Steven Wright

Steven Wright

In a lot of ways, success is much harder than I thought it would be. I figured that you’d get here and then everything would be happily ever after. But, it’s hard work, almost harder once you’re successful because you’ve got to maintain it.

Comedian, Steven Wright

Steven Wright

I laugh all the time – at things, people, stuff, whatever. But, I don’t laugh onstage because then it’s serious business.

Comedian, Steven Wright

Steven Wright

Real life? Well, I just hope mine isn’t investigated. They might find that I don’t really exist – that I’m just a hologram.

Comedian, Steven Wright

Steven Wright

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed-reading accident. I hit a bookmark.

Comedian, Steven Wright

Steven Wright

Like other kids wanted to become firemen or astronauts, I wanted to make people laugh.

Comedian, Steven Wright

Steven Wright

I don’t go off and sit down and try to write material, because then it’s contrived and forced. I just live my life, and I see things in a word or a situation or a concept, and it will create a joke for me.

Comedian, Steven Wright

Steven Wright

Sometimes I wish my first word was ‘quote,’ so that on my death bed, my last words could be ‘end quote.’

Comedian, Steven Wright

Steven Wright

They say the universe is expanding. That should help with the traffic.

Comedian, Steven Wright

Steven Wright

I’m going to get an MRI to find out whether I have claustrophobia.

Comedian, Steven Wright

Steven Wright

My act is an exaggeration of a part of me. I’m much more expressive off stage.

Comedian, Steven Wright

Steven Wright

I never even thought of myself as deadpan until someone wrote an article about me about a year after I was doing comedy. There was a paper called the ‘Boston Phoenix,’ and someone wrote a description of what I was doing and that’s where I first saw ‘deadpan.’

Comedian, Steven Wright

Steven Wright

I thought I would be a guy on the radio.

Comedian, Steven Wright

Steven Wright

My mother is from another time – the funniest person to her is Lucille Ball; that’s what she loves. A lot of times she tells me she doesn’t know what I’m talking about. I know if I wasn’t her son and she was flipping through the TV and saw me, she would just keep going.

Comedian, Steven Wright

Steven Wright

I paint; I draw and paint – I’ve been doing that since I was in third grade, drawing realistically and then changing to abstract art. That was my first creative thing before guitar or comedy.

Comedian, Steven Wright

Steven Wright

I like to talk about lint and coasters, the expansion of the universe and maybe McDonald’s. I’m completely turned off by the idea of politics.

Comedian, Steven Wright

Steven Wright

I like George Carlin’s jokes. I like his humor. He’s one of my heroes, and I like what he did with talking about everyday things.

Comedian, Steven Wright

Steven Wright

I’m seeing the world partially through the eyes of a kid. Not all the time. There’s no black and white to it. But sometimes I’m seeing it like I’m 4.

Comedian, Steven Wright

Steven Wright

It usually helps me write by reading – somehow the reading gear in your head turns the writing gear.

Comedian, Steven Wright

Steven Wright

I’m used to seeing it, but it’s weird having an Academy Award. You usually only see one of them on the TV show when they give them out, so it’s kind of surreal to have one in your house.

Comedian, Steven Wright

Steven Wright

I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move. Day 2: Everyone thinks I’m an idiot.

Comedian, Steven Wright

Steven Wright

Childhood was very nice. The only thing wrong was that I was so introverted, everything became a big deal… ‘Oh, no, here comes the bus. Where am I gonna sit on the bus?’

Comedian, Steven Wright

Steven Wright

I didn’t want to be selling insurance at 40, wondering what would it have been like to do stand-up.

Comedian, Steven Wright

Steven Wright

Doing stand-up is like running across a frozen pond with the ice breaking behind you. I love it because it’s dangerous.

Comedian, Steven Wright

Steven Wright

I feel lucky that I can have people laugh solidly for a whole hour by just saying what I think and getting paid for it.

Comedian, Steven Wright

Steven Wright

What I like about the jokes, to me it’s a lot of logic, no matter how crazy they are. It has to make absolute sense, or it won’t be funny.

Comedian, Steven Wright

Steven Wright

I feel very lucky to make a living from my imagination; I’m very grateful for that. I like that what I do is create. I’m feeling very lucky to have had the career I had. It’s gone much longer and bigger than I ever thought it would be.

Comedian, Steven Wright

Steven Wright

I have all the emotions that everyone has; it just appears that I don’t.

Comedian, Steven Wright

Steven Wright

Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home.

Comedian, Steven Wright

Steven Wright

Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.

Comedian, Steven Wright

Steven Wright

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.

Comedian, Steven Wright

Steven Wright

I need one of those baby monitors from my subconscious to my consciousness so I can know what the hell I’m really thinking about.

Comedian, Steven Wright

Steven Wright

My doctor told me I shouldn’t work out until I’m in better shape. I told him, ‘All right; don’t send me a bill until I pay you.’

Comedian, Steven Wright

Steven Wright

I’ve always had to conquer fear when I’m on stage. Basically, I was and still am a very shy person. It’s absolutely in conflict with what I do. But once I deliver the first joke I’m okay. It’s like I’m out there all by myself just delivering my lines to nobody in particular without ever trying to notice the audience in front of me.

Comedian, Steven Wright

Steven Wright

I liked school, but I used to dread those moments when the teacher would call me up to give an oral report. I forced myself to deal with it and not dwell on the class in front of me – to keep a straight face, give the report and concentrate on getting it right. That’s normally how I perform. That’s how I am.

Comedian, Steven Wright

Steven Wright

Very rarely do I talk off the top of my head on stage. I’m not an improv guy. I’m a writer-guy who presents what he’s written.

Comedian, Steven Wright

Steven Wright

It’s very intense to be in front of a live audience. It’s just an amazing experience. It’s dangerous. Everything out there is heightened. The bad stuff is extra-worse. The silences are extra-silent. The good stuff is amazing. It’s electric when you walk out there. For 90 minutes, you’re on this other planet.

Comedian, Steven Wright

Steven Wright

I’m standing behind a wall of jokes. You don’t know about my personal life, my girlfriends, or what I do when I’m not on the road. There’s this guy, this comedian, and this is how he thinks, but people really don’t know anything about me.

Comedian, Steven Wright

Steven Wright

I was born. When I was 23 I started telling jokes. Then I started going on television and doing films. That’s still what I am doing. The end.

Comedian, Steven Wright

Steven Wright

I was always making my friends laugh, but I never wanted the attention of the whole classroom.

Comedian, Steven Wright

Steven Wright

I’ve been doing comedy longer than I haven’t been doing comedy, as I was performing for three years before I even got on ‘The Tonight Show.’ There’s truly nothing like it; it’s intense and exhilarating, even though it looks so casual.

Comedian, Steven Wright

Steven Wright

I love eating chocolate cake and ice cream after a show. I almost justify it in my mind as, ‘You were a good boy onstage and you did your show, so now you can have some cake and ice cream.’

Comedian, Steven Wright

Steven Wright

Honestly, I just go to restaurants to eat so I won’t die. If there was a pill I could take in January and then I wouldn’t have to eat again for the rest of the year, I would take it. Of course, I wouldn’t want to sacrifice my chocolate cake and ice cream.

Comedian, Steven Wright

Steven Wright

Only one in four jokes ever works, and I still can’t predict what people will laugh at.

Comedian, Steven Wright

Steven Wright

My favorite book is anything by Kurt Vonnegut – he’s my literary hero. I got to meet him several times, which was a great thrill for me. I don’t really remember what we talked about.

Comedian, Steven Wright

Steven Wright

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, ‘Hey, the sign says you’re open 24 hours.’ He said, ‘Yes, but not in a row.’

Comedian, Steven Wright

Steven Wright

I don’t get up, get dressed, go out, and think, ‘Okay, I gotta find eight jokes.’

Comedian, Steven Wright

Steven Wright

I haven’t changed at all. I’m the same as when I was 11.

Comedian, Steven Wright

Steven Wright

It’s like the Wild West, the Internet. There are no rules.

Comedian, Steven Wright

Steven Wright

There’s something about being in front of a live audience that’s fun. It’s a really interesting, very electric, very alive, and intense experience, and you can’t get it anywhere else. And I’ve been doing it since I was 23, so it’s part of my being – it’s part of my fabric as a person.

Comedian, Steven Wright

Steven Wright

When I was on TV in the ’80s, I wasn’t thinking, ‘There’s a 10-year-old kid watching this and in 15 years, he’s gonna be doing stuff that was influenced by me.’ I was trying to get my five minutes together. So now that those people are comedians and they’re influenced by me – it’s bizarre.

Comedian, Steven Wright

Steven Wright

George Carlin’s album, ‘Class Clown,’ came out when I was in high school. I memorized a lot of that album. I’d come home from school, put it on, and listen over and over. I started memorizing it. I don’t even know why. I loved it so much I memorized it.

Comedian, Steven Wright

Steven Wright

It’s very interesting, the joke comes first and then the wording comes within five seconds, maybe ten seconds. My thing is to get the joke across in as few words as possible. However, sometimes a word that’s not really needed does help the rhythm of it. It’s a gut feeling.

Comedian, Steven Wright

Steven Wright

I didn’t tell any of my friends that I wanted to be a comedian, because I was superstitious. I thought if I told people, it wouldn’t happen. So I kept it all in my head for years and years.

Comedian, Steven Wright

Steven Wright

To the audience, it’s like I’m changing the subject every five seconds, but to me, my show’s almost like a 90-minute song that I know exactly. I wrote every note, and I know exactly where everything is.

Comedian, Steven Wright

Steven Wright

At one point he decided enough was enough.

Comedian, Steven Wright

Steven Wright

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

Comedian, Steven Wright

Steven Wright

I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.

Comedian, Steven Wright

Steven Wright

I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.

Comedian, Steven Wright

Steven Wright

I went to a general store. They wouldn’t let me buy anything specifically.

Comedian, Steven Wright

Steven Wright

I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.

Comedian, Steven Wright

Steven Wright

I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing ‘Happy Birthday.’

Comedian, Steven Wright

Steven Wright

Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.

Comedian, Steven Wright

Steven Wright

If it’s a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

Comedian, Steven Wright

Steven Wright

Babies don’t need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach… it pisses me off! I’ll go over to a little baby and say ‘What are you doing here? You haven’t worked a day in your life!’

Comedian, Steven Wright

Steven Wright

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?

Comedian, Steven Wright

Steven Wright

If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?

Comedian, Steven Wright

Steven Wright

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.

Comedian, Steven Wright

Steven Wright

I bought some instant water one time but I didn’t know what to add to it.

Comedian, Steven Wright

Steven Wright

I live on a one-way street that’s also a dead end. I’m not sure how I got there.

Comedian, Steven Wright

Steven Wright

I got this powdered water – now I don’t know what to add.

Comedian, Steven Wright

Steven Wright

Is it weird in here, or is it just me?

Comedian, Steven Wright

Steven Wright

So, do you live around here often?

Comedian, Steven Wright

Steven Wright

Hermits have no peer pressure.

Comedian, Steven Wright

Steven Wright

What a nice night for an evening.

Comedian, Steven Wright

Steven Wright

If you can’t hear me, it’s because I’m in parentheses.

Comedian, Steven Wright

Steven Wright

It doesn’t make a difference what temperature a room is, it’s always room temperature.

Comedian, Steven Wright

Steven Wright

Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

Comedian, Steven Wright

Steven Wright

My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It’s in the apartment somewhere.

Comedian, Steven Wright

Steven Wright

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.

Comedian, Steven Wright

Steven Wright

Right now I’m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time… I think I’ve forgotten this before.

Comedian, Steven Wright

Steven Wright

The other day I… uh, no, that wasn’t me.

Comedian, Steven Wright

Steven Wright

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, ‘Well, what do you need?’

Comedian, Steven Wright

Steven Wright

You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?

Comedian, Steven Wright

Steven Wright

I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done.

Comedian, Steven Wright

Steven Wright

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

Comedian, Steven Wright

Steven Wright

Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don’t get it.

Comedian, Steven Wright

Steven Wright

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier… I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

Comedian, Steven Wright

Steven Wright

I have the world’s largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world… perhaps you’ve seen it.

Comedian, Steven Wright

Steven Wright

I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.

Comedian, Steven Wright

Steven Wright

I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.

Comedian, Steven Wright

Steven Wright

I saw a bank that said ’24 Hour Banking’, but I don’t have that much time.

Comedian, Steven Wright

Steven Wright

I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.

Comedian, Steven Wright

Steven Wright

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn’t have to go so fast.

Comedian, Steven Wright

Steven Wright

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

Comedian, Steven Wright

Steven Wright

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, ‘Did you sleep good?’ I said ‘No, I made a few mistakes.’

Comedian, Steven Wright

Steven Wright

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

Comedian, Steven Wright

Steven Wright

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.

Comedian, Steven Wright

Steven Wright

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

Comedian, Steven Wright

Steven Wright

If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?

Comedian, Steven Wright

Steven Wright

Why don’t they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

Comedian, Steven Wright

Steven Wright

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, ‘What for?’ I said, ‘I’m going to buy some sugar.’

Comedian, Steven Wright

Steven Wright

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

Comedian, Steven Wright

Steven Wright

Don’t you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.

Comedian, Steven Wright

Steven Wright

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

Comedian, Steven Wright

Steven Wright

I invented the cordless extension cord.

Comedian, Steven Wright

Steven Wright

My friend has a baby. I’m recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.

Comedian, Steven Wright

Steven Wright

How young can you die of old age?

Comedian, Steven Wright

Steven Wright

It doesn’t matter what temperature the room is, it’s always room temperature.

Comedian, Steven Wright

Steven Wright

I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.

Comedian, Steven Wright

Steven Wright

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

Comedian, Steven Wright

Steven Wright

There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

Comedian, Steven Wright

Steven Wright

I think God’s going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.

Comedian, Steven Wright

Steven Wright

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn’t park anywhere near the place.

Comedian, Steven Wright

Steven Wright

If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?

Comedian, Steven Wright

Steven Wright

I went to a general store but they wouldn’t let me buy anything specific.

Comedian, Steven Wright

Steven Wright

I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.

Comedian, Steven Wright

Steven Wright

I installed a skylight in my apartment… the people who live above me are furious!

Comedian, Steven Wright

Steven Wright

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

Comedian, Steven Wright

Steven Wright

I got a chain letter by fax. It’s very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.

Comedian, Steven Wright

Steven Wright

The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.

Comedian, Steven Wright

Steven Wright

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.

Comedian, Steven Wright

Steven Wright

I met this wonderful girl at Macy’s. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.

Comedian, Steven Wright

Steven Wright

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.

Comedian, Steven Wright

Steven Wright

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

Comedian, Steven Wright

Steven Wright

George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge… you can’t hear him talk.

Comedian, Steven Wright

Steven Wright

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I’m gone.

Comedian, Steven Wright

Steven Wright

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I’m the only one moving.

Comedian, Steven Wright

Steven Wright

I had to stop driving my car for a while… the tires got dizzy.

Comedian, Steven Wright

Steven Wright

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I’m home now. But leave a message and I’ll call when I’m out.

Comedian, Steven Wright

Steven Wright

When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules?

Comedian, Steven Wright

Steven Wright

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child… eventually.

Comedian, Steven Wright

Steven Wright

I’m writing an unauthorized autobiography.

Comedian, Steven Wright

Steven Wright

I wrote a few children’s books… not on purpose.

Comedian, Steven Wright

Steven Wright

In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.

Comedian, Steven Wright

Steven Wright

I look like a casual, laid-back guy, but it’s like a circus in my head.

Comedian, Steven Wright

Steven Wright

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.

Comedian, Steven Wright

Steven Wright

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

Comedian, Steven Wright

Steven Wright

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

Comedian, Steven Wright

Steven Wright

I like to reminisce with people I don’t know.

Comedian, Steven Wright

Steven Wright

I bought some batteries, but they weren’t included.

Comedian, Steven Wright

Steven Wright

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

Comedian, Steven Wright

Steven Wright

When I die, I’m leaving my body to science fiction.

Comedian, Steven Wright

Steven Wright

What’s another word for Thesaurus?

Comedian, Steven Wright

Steven Wright

I have an existential map. It has ‘You are here’ written all over it.

Comedian, Steven Wright

Steven Wright

My neighbor has a circular driveway… he can’t get out.

Comedian, Steven Wright

Steven Wright

If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?

Comedian, Steven Wright

Steven Wright

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?

Comedian, Steven Wright

Steven Wright

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn’t happen.

Comedian, Steven Wright

Steven Wright

I went to a restaurant that serves ‘breakfast at any time’. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

Comedian, Steven Wright

Steven Wright

It’s a small world, but I wouldn’t want to have to paint it.

Comedian, Steven Wright

Steven Wright

If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?

Comedian, Steven Wright

Steven Wright

Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.

Comedian, Steven Wright

Steven Wright

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Comedian, Steven Wright

Steven Wright

I won an amateur night, October 8th, 1985. I went to work the next day and quit my job.

Comedian, Steve Harvey

Steve Harvey

I had, like, 11 jobs. I’ve been fired 11 times! ‘Cause I’m not cut for that. You know, I was a great employee, man. Everybody loved me coming to work – I’m singing, tellin’ jokes on the assembly line. I was miserable, man. I was dying. I was dying.

Comedian, Steve Harvey

Steve Harvey

I got married for the wrong reasons. I was tired of being alone. I have to own that. It was me, not her.

Comedian, Steve Harvey

Steve Harvey

You can’t go forward and backwards at the same time.

Comedian, Steve Harvey

Steve Harvey

I pay attention to every minute of the day.

Comedian, Steve Harvey

Steve Harvey

You’ve got to be vulnerable when you’re talking to kids. There’s nothing worse than some adult standing up there just talking down to some kid. You can’t work that way.

Comedian, Steve Harvey

Steve Harvey

I never in my life saw myself as a game show host. I don’t want to be a traffic cop.

Comedian, Steve Harvey

Steve Harvey

If you cook something on the show, and I don’t like it, I’m going to tell you. I don’t understand how you could watch any of these morning shows, and everything everybody cooks is absolutely delicious. Are you kidding me, man?

Comedian, Steve Harvey

Steve Harvey

As always, whenever I’m contacted by the White House, I’m just humbled.

Comedian, Steve Harvey

Steve Harvey

I take my brand very seriously.

Comedian, Steve Harvey

Steve Harvey

My color’s not a crutch. See, funny crosses a lot of color barriers.

Comedian, Steve Harvey

Steve Harvey

I’m going to take this God-given gift of being funny, and I’m going to spread it out like peanut butter on everything I do.

Comedian, Steve Harvey

Steve Harvey

I just believe if you don’t believe in God, then where is your moral barometer? That’s just me talking. You can believe what you want to believe.

Comedian, Steve Harvey

Steve Harvey

I never say ‘nagging.’ I think that ‘nagging’ is a term that men created to get women to pipe down some. But, it’s a trap that we’ve created. We created several terms for women to back you down. Nagging means to stop asking me questions, then we get away with more. I think it’s a term men created.

Comedian, Steve Harvey

Steve Harvey

Hip-hop is a beautiful thing. I think that the music genre itself has created more millionaires than any other music genre before it, especially in our community.

Comedian, Steve Harvey

Steve Harvey

I think that we, as the African-American men in hip-hop, we have a greater responsibly because we have the ears of so many millions of our young people. And they listenin’.

Comedian, Steve Harvey

Steve Harvey

My calling is to help people, to teach people, to share with people, until I die. I can never stop doing that. I can’t, and I don’t want to.

Comedian, Steve Harvey

Steve Harvey

My marriage to Marjorie is the most rewarding thing that ever happened to me. She gave me a life and a relationship that I didn’t know existed.

Comedian, Steve Harvey

Steve Harvey

All men can and will change. But there’s only one woman we’re going to change for.

Comedian, Steve Harvey

Steve Harvey

I sit my three sons down and say, ‘Listen to me. When the police stop you, immediately comply. Don’t walk away, don’t smart-mouth; get your hands up and get down on the ground.’ If you’re not black, you might not have to have that conversation, but I go over and over it with them because I don’t want that phone call.

Comedian, Steve Harvey

Steve Harvey

From the time I was taught how to drive, I was taught how to behave when I’m stopped.

Comedian, Steve Harvey

Steve Harvey

When you’re happy at home, you can make a lot of things happen.

Comedian, Steve Harvey

Steve Harvey

My father instilled in me to take care of my family. Show up even when you don’t want to show up.

Comedian, Steve Harvey

Steve Harvey

Every day, President Obama sends a beautiful message about how we should treat our women based on how he treats his wife. When people went after his wife during the campaign, he took a stand.

Comedian, Steve Harvey

Steve Harvey

I tell my boys not to play rough with their younger sister. I try to teach them what I know already: You’re never going to win an argument with a girl, so just let her have what she wants!

Comedian, Steve Harvey

Steve Harvey

One of the biggest misconceptions that a woman has is that a man has to accept her the way she is. No, we don’t. I don’t know who told you that. We like the bright and shiny. If you stop wearing the makeup, stop putting on nail polish, stop wearing high heels, you’ll lose us.

Comedian, Steve Harvey

Steve Harvey

God has given me a life far beyond anything I ever dreamed about. God is, man, God is something else man.

Comedian, Steve Harvey

Steve Harvey

I’m just a living witness that you can be an imperfect soldier and still be in the army fighting for God Almighty. Don’t you think you got to be perfect ’cause I ain’t.

Comedian, Steve Harvey

Steve Harvey

God has positioned me just this way to be just like I am, to say what I say how I say it.

Comedian, Steve Harvey

Steve Harvey

You’ve got to be in a bad relationship to really understand what a great one is.

Comedian, Steve Harvey

Steve Harvey

The Lord saved my soul.

Comedian, Steve Harvey

Steve Harvey

We all think that this relationship thing is a game out here. All I’m saying to women is, ‘Okay. If it’s a game, here are the rules that we play by.’

Comedian, Steve Harvey

Steve Harvey

I don’t want people to see me fall. I mean, I got enough people cheering for me to fall now… The Internet has created some amazing place for evil to exist, you dig?

Comedian, Steve Harvey

Steve Harvey

I ain’t no author, man… my writing skills are not of ‘New York Times’ best-seller quality, trust and believe it ain’t. My vocabulary ain’t.

Comedian, Steve Harvey

Steve Harvey

People see me laughing and telling jokes, but they had no idea after the show was over, I had no joy in my life, in my heart.

Comedian, Steve Harvey

Steve Harvey

I know how men think when they’re not responding to questions in a clinical study.

Comedian, Steve Harvey

Steve Harvey

I think there are so many books out there written on relationships and romance that women are the authors of. How can women know exactly how men think? And there are so many guys out there with relationship books who are just not telling the truth. They have shaded parts.

Comedian, Steve Harvey

Steve Harvey

To be No. 1 on the ‘New York Times’ best-seller list, well, that’s alarming. Having been a stand-up comedian, I think it’s surprising to a lot of people that I had the insight I had.

Comedian, Steve Harvey

Steve Harvey

I tell people I’m a stand-up comedian two hours a week. The rest of the time, I’m somebody’s husband, I’m somebody’s father. I’m a man. I take great pride in that.

Comedian, Steve Harvey

Steve Harvey

You have nothing if you’re texting a guy in a relationship. We can text six women a minute. We can text it and push ‘reply all.’ I mean, since we’re lying, we might as well lie to everybody.

Comedian, Steve Harvey

Steve Harvey

I’m not a good mother at all.

Comedian, Steve Harvey

Steve Harvey

If you’d asked me then if I saw how big ‘The Morning Show’ was going to be, I couldn’t tell you. But I knew I could reach people not as a character but as , because although I tell jokes for a living, I’ve also lived, and I think I can relate to you more than you know.

Comedian, Steve Harvey

Steve Harvey

You can be happy, or you can be right. If you want to be part of a couple and win every argument, you’re in trouble.

Comedian, Steve Harvey

Steve Harvey

I don’t have much of an attention span for TV – I nod off during the basketball playoffs – but when I watch ‘Game of Thrones’ on On Demand, I’m glued to the set. It’s mystical and addictive. Tyrion Lannister, that’s my man.

Comedian, Steve Harvey

Steve Harvey

The first time I saw my wife, Marjorie, I was doing stand-up in Memphis, and she was sitting in the front row. Afterward, I walked up and said, ‘Ma’am, I’m going to marry you one day.’ And 15 years later, I did.

Comedian, Steve Harvey

Steve Harvey

My mother was a Sunday school teacher. So I am a byproduct of prayer. My mom just kept on praying for her son.

Comedian, Steve Harvey

Steve Harvey

I don’t think it’s cool for people to say, ‘You shouldn’t reference God because I don’t believe that, and I don’t want to hear it.’ Well, there’s a lot of stuff I don’t believe that I still gotta hear.

Comedian, Steve Harvey

Steve Harvey

I’d have to say I’m most proud of my mentoring camp that I do in Dallas every year for one hundred boys from single-parent homes. I was raised by a mother who was a Sunday school teacher and a father who worked hard. Together they taught me to give back.

Comedian, Steve Harvey

Steve Harvey

You can take lessons to become almost anything: flying lessons, piano lessons, skydiving lessons, acting lessons, race car driving lessons, singing lessons. But there’s no class for comedy. You have to be born with it. God has to give you this gift.

Comedian, Steve Harvey

Steve Harvey

There has been nothing more impactful on my life and meaningful to me than the introduction of Christ. That, hands down, blows away every joke I’ve ever written.

Comedian, Steve Harvey

Steve Harvey

I tell jokes for a check; I’m on TV for a check.

Comedian, Steve Harvey

Steve Harvey

You’ve got to quit lowering your standards. Set your requirements up front so when a guy hooks you, he has to know this is business.

Comedian, Steve Harvey

Steve Harvey

How can smart women be so stupid about men sometimes? Lack of knowledge. It’s what men have kept secret for so long.

Comedian, Steve Harvey

Steve Harvey

A guy that’s really serious about you, he’s gotta be talking to you, he’s gotta want to have one-on-one, in-your-face interaction. That’s how we are.

Comedian, Steve Harvey

Steve Harvey

Women are the real reason we get up every day. I’m talking about real men. If there were no women, I would not even have to bathe, because why would I care? These are guys I’m hanging with. I wake up for a woman every day of my life to make it happen for her.

Comedian, Steve Harvey

Steve Harvey

All I knew growing up was that my father was married to and loved my momma, period. He worked hard, made some money, and put it on the dresser. She spent it on the family, and he went out and earned some more. He taught me the most about love.

Comedian, Steve Harvey

Steve Harvey

I don’t rehearse on either of my shows, ‘Family Feud’ or my talk show. I never rehearse with the guests. I don’t want to have any preconceived thoughts, notions, because that kills my creativity as a host and as a stand up.

Comedian, Steve Harvey

Steve Harvey

The best timed joke or the best timed phrase comes at spontaneous moments and just relies on me as the host to be very quick, and that’s what I do.

Comedian, Steve Harvey

Steve Harvey

I don’t have ‘The Jerry Springer Show’. I just got ‘Family Feud’, but some of them families, when they lose, man, they have some real conversations with each other back behind that wall, but I’ve never been involved in any of them.

Comedian, Steve Harvey

Steve Harvey

There’s a lot more to me than just funny.

Comedian, Steve Harvey

Steve Harvey

I’m not a doctor. I just have a tremendous amount of common sense.

Comedian, Steve Harvey

Steve Harvey

I never saw myself not being a stand-up. That was my plan.

Comedian, Steve Harvey

Steve Harvey

Hollywood is run by people who sit up in their executive office, who are not connected to Mississippi, Alabama, Chicago, South Carolina. They know nothing about that, they don’t go to church, and they make their decisions about what they think is right.

Comedian, Steve Harvey

Steve Harvey

I have seen some crazy people do some crazy things on my variety show. I have to stop and ask them a lot of the time, just how they figured out that they could do the things that they do, some of it is just plain freaky.

Comedian, Steve Harvey

Steve Harvey

Being on a comedy tour is like traveling with family, everyone is all having a great time… then all of a sudden it turns sour. One thing gets said out of turn, and everyone is on everyone’s last nerve. After an hour of silence, we all start laughing about it.

Comedian, Steve Harvey

Steve Harvey

Failure is a great teacher, and I think when you make mistakes and you recover from them and you treat them as valuable learning experiences, then you’ve got something to share.

Comedian, Steve Harvey

Steve Harvey

I’m not really a relationship expert but… I’m an expert on manhood and what men think.

Comedian, Steve Harvey

Steve Harvey

Other than my foundation – mentoring programs – everything I do is for money.

Comedian, Steve Harvey

Steve Harvey

If a man loves you… he’s willing to profess it. He’ll give you a title after a while. You’re going to be his lady, his woman, his fiancee, his wife, his baby’s mama, something.

Comedian, Steve Harvey

Steve Harvey

Men don’t come up to you to just talk. We come up to you with a plan. We’re looking across the room at you, and we don’t care about your hopes and dreams. We don’t care about what your future holds. We saw something we wanted.

Comedian, Steve Harvey

Steve Harvey

The problem is, women have stopped setting the bar high.

Comedian, Steve Harvey

Steve Harvey

I’m not a relationship expert. I’m an expert on manhood.

Comedian, Steve Harvey

Steve Harvey

A person has to remember that the road to success is always under construction. You have to get that through your head. That it is not easy becoming successful.

Comedian, Steve Harvey

Steve Harvey

I’m a comedian first. I’ve learned how to act. I just draw on life experiences and that’s how I’ve learned. I didn’t take classes or anything. I don’t need no classroom.

Comedian, Steve Harvey

Steve Harvey

Comedians walk out, get a feel for the crowd. If it’s not going good, we change directions. If we got to drag your momma into this thing, we will. Whatever we got to do.

Comedian, Steve Harvey

Steve Harvey

I don’t want to be 60 years old standing on stage telling some jokes. I want my life to mean something.

Comedian, Steve Harvey

Steve Harvey

God lets you be successful because he trusts you that you will do the right thing with it. Now, does he get disappointed often? All the time, because people get there and they forget how they got it.

Comedian, Steve Harvey

Steve Harvey

My mother raised me in the church. I was not allowed to stay home on Sunday; there was no option. I sang in the choir all the way up until I went to college.

Comedian, Steve Harvey

Steve Harvey

I met the surgeon general – he offered me a cigarette.

Comedian, Rodney Dangerfield

Rodney Dangerfield

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

Comedian, Rodney Dangerfield

Rodney Dangerfield

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

Comedian, Rodney Dangerfield

Rodney Dangerfield

I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

Comedian, Rodney Dangerfield

Rodney Dangerfield

I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.

Comedian, Rodney Dangerfield

Rodney Dangerfield

My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.

Comedian, Rodney Dangerfield

Rodney Dangerfield

When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.

Comedian, Rodney Dangerfield

Rodney Dangerfield

My wife can’t cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat.

Comedian, Rodney Dangerfield

Rodney Dangerfield

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

Comedian, Rodney Dangerfield

Rodney Dangerfield

My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.

Comedian, Rodney Dangerfield

Rodney Dangerfield

My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

Comedian, Rodney Dangerfield

Rodney Dangerfield

My cousin’s gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.

Comedian, Rodney Dangerfield

Rodney Dangerfield

It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.

Comedian, Rodney Dangerfield

Rodney Dangerfield

I’m taking Viagra and drinking prune juice – I don’t know if I’m coming or going.

Comedian, Rodney Dangerfield

Rodney Dangerfield

I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.

Comedian, Rodney Dangerfield

Rodney Dangerfield

I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.

Comedian, Rodney Dangerfield

Rodney Dangerfield

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

Comedian, Rodney Dangerfield

Rodney Dangerfield

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

Comedian, Rodney Dangerfield

Rodney Dangerfield

What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.

Comedian, Rodney Dangerfield

Rodney Dangerfield

The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.

Comedian, Rodney Dangerfield

Rodney Dangerfield

Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.

Comedian, Rodney Dangerfield

Rodney Dangerfield

One year they asked me to be poster boy – for birth control.

Comedian, Rodney Dangerfield

Rodney Dangerfield

On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.

Comedian, Rodney Dangerfield

Rodney Dangerfield

My wife was afraid of the dark… then she saw me naked and now she’s afraid of the light.

Comedian, Rodney Dangerfield

Rodney Dangerfield

My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.

Comedian, Rodney Dangerfield

Rodney Dangerfield

My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.

Comedian, Rodney Dangerfield

Rodney Dangerfield

My uncle’s dying wish – he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.

Comedian, Rodney Dangerfield

Rodney Dangerfield

My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.

Comedian, Rodney Dangerfield

Rodney Dangerfield

I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.

Comedian, Rodney Dangerfield

Rodney Dangerfield

My wife’s jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.

Comedian, Rodney Dangerfield

Rodney Dangerfield

My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.

Comedian, Rodney Dangerfield

Rodney Dangerfield

A girl phoned me the other day and said… ‘Come on over, there’s nobody home.’ I went over. Nobody was home.

Comedian, Rodney Dangerfield

Rodney Dangerfield

Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.

Comedian, Rodney Dangerfield

Rodney Dangerfield

I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.

Comedian, Rodney Dangerfield

Rodney Dangerfield

Yeah, I know I’m ugly… I said to a bartender, ‘Make me a zombie.’ He said ‘God beat me to it.’

Comedian, Rodney Dangerfield

Rodney Dangerfield

With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we’ll never see each other!

Comedian, Rodney Dangerfield

Rodney Dangerfield

When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

Comedian, Rodney Dangerfield

Rodney Dangerfield

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.

Comedian, Rodney Dangerfield

Rodney Dangerfield

I’m at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I’ve just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.

Comedian, Rodney Dangerfield

Rodney Dangerfield

At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he knows he can’t.

Comedian, Rodney Dangerfield

Rodney Dangerfield

Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself.

Comedian, Rodney Dangerfield

Rodney Dangerfield

I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.

Comedian, Rodney Dangerfield

Rodney Dangerfield

I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.

Comedian, Rodney Dangerfield

Rodney Dangerfield

If it wasn’t for pick-pockets I’d have no sex life at all.

Comedian, Rodney Dangerfield

Rodney Dangerfield

Life is just a bowl of pits.

Comedian, Rodney Dangerfield

Rodney Dangerfield

We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations – we’re doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.

Comedian, Rodney Dangerfield

Rodney Dangerfield

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

Comedian, Rodney Dangerfield

Rodney Dangerfield

I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.

Comedian, Rodney Dangerfield

Rodney Dangerfield

I don’t have a college degree, and my father didn’t have a college degree, so when my son, Zachary, graduated from college, I said, ‘My boy’s got learnin’!’

Comedian, Robin Williams

Robin Williams

I’m much more open to being a supporting actor right now. At the age of 60, I’ll be second fiddle. Fine. I’m happy to do it.

Comedian, Robin Williams

Robin Williams

I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.

Comedian, Rodney Dangerfield

Rodney Dangerfield

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous – everyone hasn’t met me yet.

Comedian, Rodney Dangerfield

Rodney Dangerfield

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.

Comedian, Rodney Dangerfield

Rodney Dangerfield