Category: comedian
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There are things around, and I know where they can be got quite easily, but I quite like waking up to the sunshine.
Terry Pratchett
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I’ve often liked a girl, made her laugh, and thought she liked me, and then found out that she didn’t like me that way. I’ve definitely done time in the friend zone.
Demetri Martin
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My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said ‘No, but I want a regular banana later, so… yeah.’
Mitch Hedberg
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I noticed that there are no B batteries. I think that’s to avoid confusion, cause if there were you wouldn’t know if someone was stuttering. ‘Yes, hello I’d like some b-batteries.’ ‘What kind?’ ‘B-batteries.’ ‘What kind?’ ‘B-batteries!’ and D-batteries that’s hard for foreigners. ‘Yes, I would like de batteries.’
Demetri Martin
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As a creative person, you want to have a foothold and sense of progress.
Demetri Martin
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I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn’t have one. So I got a cake.
Mitch Hedberg
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Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough.
Groucho Marx
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My plumbing is all screwed up. Because it turns out, I do not own a garbage disposal.
Demetri Martin
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I’m always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I’m listening to it.
George Carlin
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Designing is my hobby. If I didn’t do what I do for a living – at some point when I don’t do this for a living – I’ll probably just do design work. I love finding really special pieces of furniture.
Ellen DeGeneres