Category: comedian
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I got quite annoyed after the Haiti earthquake. A baby was taken from the wreckage and people said it was a miracle. It would have been a miracle had God stopped the earthquake. More wonderful was that a load of evolved monkeys got together to save the life of a child that wasn’t theirs.
Terry Pratchett
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There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.
Steven Wright
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If Heaven exists, to know that there’s laughter, that would be a great thing.
Robin Williams
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It’s okay for me to make jokes about disabled people and people with horrible diseases because they make me uncomfortable, and I don’t want to be like them.
Tom Segura
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All I can do is try to create my own brand and have people appreciate me for that.
Kevin Hart
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Yeah, I know I’m ugly… I said to a bartender, ‘Make me a zombie.’ He said ‘God beat me to it.’
Rodney Dangerfield
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A guy that’s really serious about you, he’s gotta be talking to you, he’s gotta want to have one-on-one, in-your-face interaction. That’s how we are.
Steve Harvey
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I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I’m gone.
Steven Wright
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Reality is just a crutch for people who can’t cope with drugs.
Robin Williams
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We don’t stop going to school when we graduate.
Carol Burnett