Category: comedian
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I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.
Steven Wright
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If you can’t tell a spoon from a ladle, then you’re fat!
Demetri Martin
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Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another.
George Carlin
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I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.
Rodney Dangerfield
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Usually, my favorite joke is whichever joke I most recently came up with that surprised me the first time I thought of it.
Demetri Martin
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I think women go crazy for a reason. It’s not like it just happens.
Kevin Hart
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I gave a funny speech at my wife’s birthday party, and I’m thinking, ‘Hey, I’ve still got it.’
Larry David
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People will say, ‘What’s your favorite part of Cincinnati?’ I’m like, ‘I was nine, man. I liked recess and having snacks. I didn’t go anywhere. I was a kid.’
Tom Segura
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Standup is essentially part of your personality with the volume turned up.
Tom Segura
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Stand-up can take you in so many different places, man. So many doors can be opened up from stand-up comedy, and the first one that was opened up for me was acting.
Kevin Hart