Category: comedian
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There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
Steven Wright
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My dad is still Christian Scientist. My mom’s not, and I’m not. But I believe in God, and that there’s a higher power and an intelligence that’s bigger than us and that we can rely on. It’s not just us, thinking we are the ones in control of everything. That idea gives me support.
Ellen DeGeneres
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I’m one of the idiots that negotiates after I write.
Larry David
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I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn’t educate America if they started at 6:30.
Groucho Marx
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A girl phoned me the other day and said… ‘Come on over, there’s nobody home.’ I went over. Nobody was home.
Rodney Dangerfield
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When you’re coming up with new material, it’s not always gonna be good. The only way to learn is for it not to get a laugh, so you can adjust it and come back the next day to see if it’s working right. Next time, you might get a different laugh. You’re constantly rebuilding.
Kevin Hart
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When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, ‘Did you sleep good?’ I said ‘No, I made a few mistakes.’
Steven Wright
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The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it.
Terry Pratchett
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It seems like we wake up and it’s a race until you get to bed. It gets to you after a while and you think, ‘What the hell am I doing?’
Steven Wright
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I’m a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone’s life.
Mitch Hedberg