Category: comedian
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My cousin’s gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.
Rodney Dangerfield
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My secret to staying young… Having no sense of time.
Steven Wright
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I’m a whopping 5 foot 4 inches tall. I’m not going to get any taller.
Kevin Hart
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I’m sure there’s somebody out there who doesn’t like Betty White because she’s short and has white hair.
Ellen DeGeneres
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I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, ‘You’re gonna have to move, you’re blocking a fire exit.’ As though if there was a fire, I wasn’t gonna run. If you’re flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
Mitch Hedberg
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My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.
Rodney Dangerfield
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‘Leading man’ just means people want to see you and assume that you can hold a film, carry a movie.
Kevin Hart
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I used to beat myself up about weight and working out, and no matter what I did I never felt good about myself. I decided to accept myself and know that I am good.
Ellen DeGeneres
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If you’re going to be honest with yourself, you have to admit that you go into show business wanting people to talk about you and wanting everyone to know who you are. But that also means there are going to be a whole bunch of people who don’t like you. No matter who you are.
Ellen DeGeneres
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Here’s some advice: if something really embarrassing happens to your kid, don’t take it on national TV.
Tom Segura