Category: comedian
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Any hand that I’ve shaken, any person that I met when I was Joe Blow, now that I’m this guy , has come back. That’s why I treat everybody with respect. I’m always a nice pleasant guy to meet because when they come back to you, they remember.
Kevin Hart
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For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier… I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
Steven Wright
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I’ve been trying to find women writers for my staff for a while now and I have three women on my staff and three guys so it’s pretty equal. I don’t know why that is. It’s been the same thing for a while. It’s hard for female comedians to stand out. That’s weird. That’s a shame.
Ellen DeGeneres
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I’d like to be more patient! I just want everything now. I’ve tried to meditate, but it’s really hard for me to stay still. I’d like to try to force myself to do it, because everybody says how wonderful meditation is for you, but I can’t shut my mind up. So patience and learning is the key.
Ellen DeGeneres
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It began to dawn on me that perhaps my country needed me more at home than overseas.
Larry David
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The baby boomers are getting older, and will stay older for longer. And they will run right into the dementia firing range. How will a society cope? Especially a society that can’t so readily rely on those stable family relationships that traditionally provided the backbone of care?
Terry Pratchett
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Fantasy is an exercise bicycle for the mind. It might not take you anywhere, but it tones up the muscles that can. Of course, I could be wrong.
Terry Pratchett
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Okra is the closest thing to nylon I’ve ever eaten. It’s like they bred cotton with a green bean. Okra, tastes like snot. The more you cook it, the more it turns into string.
Robin Williams
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What’s another word for Thesaurus?
Steven Wright
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If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
Steven Wright