Category: comedian
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I went to a restaurant that serves ‘breakfast at any time’. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
Steven Wright
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The Statue of Liberty is no longer saying, ‘Give me your poor, your tired, your huddled masses.’ She’s got a baseball bat and yelling, ‘You want a piece of me?’
Robin Williams
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I don’t like to say anything good. I feel like I’ll jinx myself.
Larry David
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Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They’re worth it.
Henny Youngman
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When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.
Rodney Dangerfield
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Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don’t have time for all that.
George Carlin
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I was in California, and I was going to UCLA, and I knew I certainly didn’t have movie star looks. I remember seeing pictures and photos of Ethel Merman and Mary Martin, who were kind of average looking. I said, ‘Well, that’s for me, then, to go back to New York and try to be in musical comedy on Broadway.’
Carol Burnett
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I know a man who doesn’t pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car.
Henny Youngman
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I can honestly say, after talking about my mom passing away, I got the biggest weight off of my chest. Comedy is my therapy. That’s how I deal with my problems, my personal battles. I talk about it. I give it to my fans. When they laugh at it, it’s a release, for lack of a better word.
Kevin Hart
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Money is an unavoidable consequence, but it isn’t the reason I write; if it was, I wouldn’t have written any of the YA books, because advances in that field are small compared to what I’d got now for an ‘adult’ DW.
Terry Pratchett