Category: comedian
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All of a sudden I discovered that I’m allergic to caviar. It was the perfect metaphor for my life. When I was only able to afford bad caviar, I could certainly eat my fill of it.
Larry David
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The Second Amendment says we have the right to bear arms, not to bear artillery.
Robin Williams
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I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn’t park anywhere near the place.
Steven Wright
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The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.
Demetri Martin
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I don’t have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who’d be mad at me for saying that.
Mitch Hedberg
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My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.
Rodney Dangerfield
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I was coming home from kindergarten – well they told me it was kindergarten. I found out later I had been working in a factory for ten years. It’s good for a kid to know how to make gloves.
Ellen DeGeneres
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People only have so much attention.
Demetri Martin
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Carpe per diem – seize the check.
Robin Williams
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At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he knows he can’t.
Rodney Dangerfield