Category: comedian
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I still have the shirt I wore my first time on Johnny Carson’s show. Only now I use it as a tablecloth at dinner parties. It was very blousy.
Ellen DeGeneres
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I’d like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart.
Mitch Hedberg
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Everybody I know who is funny, it’s in them. You can teach timing, or some people are able to tell a joke, though I don’t like to tell jokes. But I think you have to be born with a sense of humor and a sense of timing.
Carol Burnett
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The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done.
George Carlin
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I could see myself being on a TV show, but I think touring is something I’ll always do.
Tom Segura
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I think being funny was a coping mechanism because I was always the new kid in school.
Tom Segura
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Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.
Steven Wright
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I had a job as a paralegal. I drove a cab.
Larry David
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When I was 16… I worked in a pet store. And they fired me because… they had three snakes in there, and one day I braided them.
Steven Wright
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Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
Steven Wright