Category: comedian
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While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.
Henny Youngman
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My son is becoming me – just a silly, silly prankster guy.
Kevin Hart
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When I die, I’m gonna leave my body to science fiction.
Steven Wright
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Why don’t Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering.
Henny Youngman
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I guess I still feel that I’m a comedian; if I had to pick one thing that I feel like I could do, it would be that. That doesn’t mean that I like it, but I feel that’s what I am.
Larry David
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I left school and couldn’t find acting work, so I started going to clubs where you could do stand-up. I’ve always improvised, and stand-up was this great release. All of a sudden, it was just me and the audience.
Robin Williams
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If a man loves you… he’s willing to profess it. He’ll give you a title after a while. You’re going to be his lady, his woman, his fiancee, his wife, his baby’s mama, something.
Steve Harvey
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I’ve been in therapy. I know enough about myself now to know that I really don’t need to know anymore.
Larry David
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In my heart, I’m just a kid from the council houses. I can remember the old cottage and my dad coming round with the tin bath. I’m not a rich man.
Terry Pratchett
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I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done.
Steven Wright