Category: comedian
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One of the biggest misconceptions that a woman has is that a man has to accept her the way she is. No, we don’t. I don’t know who told you that. We like the bright and shiny. If you stop wearing the makeup, stop putting on nail polish, stop wearing high heels, you’ll lose us.
Steve Harvey
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Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn’t happen.
Steven Wright
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If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.
Groucho Marx
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The pen is mightier than the sword if the sword is very short, and the pen is very sharp.
Terry Pratchett
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I think I would like to go into modelling. Of course, I don’t know how to do it, and wouldn’t be any good at it if I did, so I’m going to employ someone to walk the catwalks on my behalf. It would still be me, of course.
Terry Pratchett
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Siren voices tell me, ‘You don’t have to keep going on.’ And then you think, ‘I’m a writer. What do I do? Sit there watching my wife clean up?’ I don’t know. I like being a writer.
Terry Pratchett
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I was raised going to the movies with my grandmother as a kid. And then I’d come home, and my best friend and I would act out the films that we saw.
Carol Burnett
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I tell people I’m a stand-up comedian two hours a week. The rest of the time, I’m somebody’s husband, I’m somebody’s father. I’m a man. I take great pride in that.
Steve Harvey
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I live on a one-way street that’s also a dead end. I’m not sure how I got there.
Steven Wright
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If I have to move up in a building, I choose the elevator over the escalator. Because one time I was riding the escalator and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half.
Demetri Martin