Category: comedian
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I don’t believe in the war god of the Israelites. He’s a bogeyman. Jesus preached the golden rule, by and large.
Terry Pratchett
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Whenever I’m on my computer, I don’t type ‘lol’. I type ‘lqtm’ – laugh quietly to myself. It’s more honest.
Demetri Martin
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She’s been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.
Henny Youngman
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God lets you be successful because he trusts you that you will do the right thing with it. Now, does he get disappointed often? All the time, because people get there and they forget how they got it.
Steve Harvey
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There would be nothing to get me to run for president. I don’t even understand how anyone would want that job at all. Although I would be able to play golf which I don’t seem to have time now.
Ellen DeGeneres
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Actors search for rejection. If they don’t get it they reject themselves.
Charlie Chaplin
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My mother was a Sunday school teacher. So I am a byproduct of prayer. My mom just kept on praying for her son.
Steve Harvey
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It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.
Rodney Dangerfield
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A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
Groucho Marx
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Weather forecast for tonight: dark.
George Carlin