Tag: Mitch Hedberg
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My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said ‘No, but I want a regular banana later, so… yeah.’
Mitch Hedberg
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I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn’t have one. So I got a cake.
Mitch Hedberg
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My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
Mitch Hedberg
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I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.
Mitch Hedberg
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I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.
Mitch Hedberg
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My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got halfway. She’s an actress, she just never gets called to the set.
Mitch Hedberg
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A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
Mitch Hedberg
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The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I’ll never be as good as a wall.
Mitch Hedberg
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Do you think I am standing here, making this up as I go? I am sorry to disillusion you. I am not Robin Williams. I am the king of the pen.
Mitch Hedberg
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It’s weird… people say they’re not like apes. Now how do you explain football then?
Mitch Hedberg