Tag: Mitch Hedberg
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An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.
Mitch Hedberg
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I’m a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone’s life.
Mitch Hedberg
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I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, ‘You’re gonna have to move, you’re blocking a fire exit.’ As though if there was a fire, I wasn’t gonna run. If you’re flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
Mitch Hedberg
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I like Kit-Kat, unless I’m with four or more people.
Mitch Hedberg
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I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car’s headlights and tell you exactly which way it’s coming.
Mitch Hedberg
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I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That’s like a free compliment and you don’t even gotta be smart to notice it.
Mitch Hedberg
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Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain’t funny!
Mitch Hedberg
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Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?
Mitch Hedberg
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Bologna is a deli meat for people with eyes.
Mitch Hedberg
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A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.
Mitch Hedberg