Tag: Mitch Hedberg
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I don’t have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who’d be mad at me for saying that.
Mitch Hedberg
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I’d like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart.
Mitch Hedberg
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If my kid couldn’t draw I’d make sure that my kitchen magnets didn’t work.
Mitch Hedberg
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Dogs are forever in the push up postion.
Mitch Hedberg
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Y’know, you can’t please all the people all the time… and last night, all those people were at my show.
Mitch Hedberg
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You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don’t want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.
Mitch Hedberg
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All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.
Mitch Hedberg
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I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.
Mitch Hedberg
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People teach their dogs to sit; it’s a trick. I’ve been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.
Mitch Hedberg
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I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.
Mitch Hedberg