Tag: Mitch Hedberg
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I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You’ll be mad, but it will be too late.
Mitch Hedberg
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I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once.
Mitch Hedberg
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I haven’t slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
Mitch Hedberg
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Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.
Mitch Hedberg
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If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.
Mitch Hedberg
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I like to play blackjack. I’m not addicted to gambling. I’m addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.
Mitch Hedberg
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I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I’m upside down.
Mitch Hedberg
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I’m gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones.
Mitch Hedberg
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It’s very dangerous to wave to people you don’t know because what if they don’t have hands? They’ll think you’re cocky.
Mitch Hedberg
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I wish I could play little league now. I’d be way better than before.
Mitch Hedberg