Tag: Steven Wright
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Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home.
Steven Wright
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I invented the cordless extension cord.
Steven Wright
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Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
Steven Wright
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I’m used to seeing it, but it’s weird having an Academy Award. You usually only see one of them on the TV show when they give them out, so it’s kind of surreal to have one in your house.
Steven Wright
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I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, ‘What for?’ I said, ‘I’m going to buy some sugar.’
Steven Wright
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If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?
Steven Wright
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I have two pairs of reading glasses. One pair is for reading fiction, the other for non-fiction. I’ve read the Bible twice wearing each pair, and it’s the same.
Steven Wright
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When I was on TV in the ’80s, I wasn’t thinking, ‘There’s a 10-year-old kid watching this and in 15 years, he’s gonna be doing stuff that was influenced by me.’ I was trying to get my five minutes together. So now that those people are comedians and they’re influenced by me – it’s bizarre.
Steven Wright
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I have an existential map. It has ‘You are here’ written all over it.
Steven Wright
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In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.
Steven Wright