Tag: Steven Wright
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I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I’m gone.
Steven Wright
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I’ve been thinking of humorous things since I was… I can’t remember when. All the way through elementary school, all the way through junior high, all the way through high school, through college and after college, I was thinking of the same kinds of things that I say in front of an audience now.
Steven Wright
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If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?
Steven Wright
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I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
Steven Wright
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My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It’s in the apartment somewhere.
Steven Wright
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I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.
Steven Wright
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I haven’t changed at all. I’m the same as when I was 11.
Steven Wright
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How young can you die of old age?
Steven Wright
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My act is an exaggeration of a part of me. I’m much more expressive off stage.
Steven Wright
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My doctor told me I shouldn’t work out until I’m in better shape. I told him, ‘All right; don’t send me a bill until I pay you.’
Steven Wright