Category: comedian
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This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he’s Frank and in Chicago he’s Ernest.
Henny Youngman
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I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me – they’re cramming for their final exam.
George Carlin
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I’m standing behind a wall of jokes. You don’t know about my personal life, my girlfriends, or what I do when I’m not on the road. There’s this guy, this comedian, and this is how he thinks, but people really don’t know anything about me.
Steven Wright
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I’m so happy with what has happened in my life.
Carol Burnett
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My grandmother and I saw an average of eight movies a week, double features, second run.
Carol Burnett
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To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it!
Charlie Chaplin
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A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.
Steven Wright
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I love women, but I feel like you can’t trust some of them. Some of them are liars, you know? Like I was in the park and I met this girl, she was cute and she had a dog. And I went up to her, we started talking. She told me her dog’s name. Then I said, ‘Does he bite?’ She said, ‘No.’ And I said, ‘Oh yeah? Then how does he eat?’ Liar.
Demetri Martin
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Well, after the divorce, I went home and turned all the lights on!
Larry David
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I’m going to take this God-given gift of being funny, and I’m going to spread it out like peanut butter on everything I do.
Steve Harvey