Category: comedian
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I must confess, I was born at a very early age.
Groucho Marx
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A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.
Henny Youngman
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I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it’s such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her.
Ellen DeGeneres
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Just go up to somebody on the street and say ‘You’re it!’ and then run away.
Ellen DeGeneres
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I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.
Rodney Dangerfield
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You’ve got to quit lowering your standards. Set your requirements up front so when a guy hooks you, he has to know this is business.
Steve Harvey
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You have to discover when you’re inadequate to be funny and you don’t know you’re inadequate when you’re a kid.
Larry David
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My father was a first reader in the Christian Science Church, which is similar to being a preacher. There was no drinking, smoking or cursing.
Ellen DeGeneres
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I just want to find somebody special, somebody that I click with.
Ellen DeGeneres
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You have a nice personality, but not for a human being.
Henny Youngman