Category: comedian
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I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
Rodney Dangerfield
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To me, comedy is a game.
Demetri Martin
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Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who’ll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you’re in the wrong house, that’s what it means.
Henny Youngman
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I had it in my contract with CBS, a very weird clause that was never written before and certainly not since, that if I wanted to do a variety show within the first five years of the contract, CBS would have to put it on for 30 shows.
Carol Burnett
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Every book is a children’s book if the kid can read!
Mitch Hedberg
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If we’re destroying our trees and destroying our environment and hurting animals and hurting one another and all that stuff, there’s got to be a very powerful energy to fight that. I think we need more love in the world. We need more kindness, more compassion, more joy, more laughter. I definitely want to contribute to that.
Ellen DeGeneres
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I believe it should be possible for someone stricken with a serious and ultimately fatal illness to choose to die peacefully with medical help, rather than suffer.
Terry Pratchett
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Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don’t get it.
Steven Wright
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Build a man a fire, and he’ll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.
Terry Pratchett
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Please accept my resignation. I don’t care to belong to any club that will have me as a member.
Groucho Marx