Category: comedian
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I would trade 20 white babies for an Asian baby. If I’m ever rich, I want a closet full of Asian babies. And I’ll just pull them out whenever I’m feeling down, you know? All kinds. Korean ones. Chinese ones. Vietnamese – not so much. My dad was in the war, and I hold a grudge.
Tom Segura
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The other day I… uh, no, that wasn’t me.
Steven Wright
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I remember the first time I had sex – I kept the receipt.
Groucho Marx
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Seven hundred thousand people who have dementia in this country are not heard. I’m fortunate; I can be heard. Regrettably, it’s amazing how people listen if you stand up in public and give away $1 million for research into the disease, as I have done.
Terry Pratchett
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It’s that I wasn’t suited to do the kind of comedy that these people were coming to hear – mainstream comedy.
Larry David
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You can start any ‘Monty Python’ routine and people finish it for you. Everyone knows it like shorthand.
Robin Williams
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It cannot be said often enough that science fiction as a genre is incredibly educational – and I’m speaking the written science fiction, not ‘Star Trek.’ Science fiction writers tend to fill their books if they’re clever with little bits of interesting stuff and real stuff.
Terry Pratchett
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She got her looks from her father. He’s a plastic surgeon.
Groucho Marx
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Comedy is tragedy – plus time.
Carol Burnett
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I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, ‘Hey, the sign says you’re open 24 hours.’ He said, ‘Yes, but not in a row.’
Steven Wright