Category: comedian
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I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
Rodney Dangerfield
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I do think there are some great female comics: Tina Fey, Amy Poehler, Kristen Wiig, Maya Rudolph. They’re the whole ball of wax.
Carol Burnett
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My mother is from another time – the funniest person to her is Lucille Ball; that’s what she loves. A lot of times she tells me she doesn’t know what I’m talking about. I know if I wasn’t her son and she was flipping through the TV and saw me, she would just keep going.
Steven Wright
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I don’t care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.
Groucho Marx
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It’s very easy to go through your whole life and never really get anything done or have any real meaningful interactions or relationships. All of a sudden you’re dead, and I’m going to say that’s got to be a letdown.
Demetri Martin
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I think the message has already been sent to Hollywood, which is that this kid’s a hard worker, he’s talented, and people are coming out to see him. And when you have box-office results, Hollywood treats you different. Hollywood stands up.
Kevin Hart
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Sometimes I have these fantasies of just moving to a foreign country and coming back with a full head of hair. Or not even come back! Make a new life there with hair… Change my name, just see what happens.
Larry David
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Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.
George Carlin
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Most people think I’m immodest.
Larry David
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Christ managed to boil down an awful lot of commandments to a few very simple rules for living. It’s when you go backwards through the ‘begats’ and the Garden of Eden, and you start thinking, ‘Hang on, that’s a big punishment for eating one lousy apple… There’s a human-rights issue.’
Terry Pratchett