Category: comedian
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I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.
Rodney Dangerfield
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To me, comedy is just twisting reality. It’s commenting or observing or twisting life.
Steven Wright
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My first book was an open letter to my three daughters.
Carol Burnett
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I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
Steven Wright
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One way to organize your thoughts is to tidy up, even if it’s in places where it makes no sense at all.
Ursus Wehrli
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When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
Rodney Dangerfield
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I had a wonderful childhood, which is tough because it’s hard to adjust to a miserable adulthood.
Larry David
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I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.
Mitch Hedberg
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I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
Steven Wright
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I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move. Day 2: Everyone thinks I’m an idiot.
Steven Wright