Category: comedian
-
My kids are the funniest two human beings there are.
Kevin Hart
-
I’m definitely a jaded traveler, but you try to make the best of what you know about the experience. Like, I know how to pack a bag. I know that checking a bag is for rookies.
Tom Segura
-
I liked school, but I used to dread those moments when the teacher would call me up to give an oral report. I forced myself to deal with it and not dwell on the class in front of me – to keep a straight face, give the report and concentrate on getting it right. That’s normally how I perform. That’s how I am.
Steven Wright
-
A woman would never make a nuclear bomb. They would never make a weapon that kills – no, no. They’d make a weapon that makes you feel bad for a while.
Robin Williams
-
Men don’t come up to you to just talk. We come up to you with a plan. We’re looking across the room at you, and we don’t care about your hopes and dreams. We don’t care about what your future holds. We saw something we wanted.
Steve Harvey
-
For some reason, we can’t just enjoy somebody else’s success. Somehow, that’s going to affect us. If they have more, then I have less – and I don’t know why.
Ellen DeGeneres
-
I don’t care how busy I am – I will always make time for what’s most important to me.
Kevin Hart
-
I’m going to get an MRI to find out whether I have claustrophobia.
Steven Wright
-
To be No. 1 on the ‘New York Times’ best-seller list, well, that’s alarming. Having been a stand-up comedian, I think it’s surprising to a lot of people that I had the insight I had.
Steve Harvey
-
If you want to get rid of stuff, you can always do a good spring-cleaning. Or you can do what I do. Move.
Ellen DeGeneres