Category: comedian
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Mind you, the Elizabethans had so many words for the female genitals that it is quite hard to speak a sentence of modern English without inadvertently mentioning at least three of them.
Terry Pratchett
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I don’t have ‘The Jerry Springer Show’. I just got ‘Family Feud’, but some of them families, when they lose, man, they have some real conversations with each other back behind that wall, but I’ve never been involved in any of them.
Steve Harvey
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I need one of those baby monitors from my subconscious to my consciousness so I can know what the hell I’m really thinking about.
Steven Wright
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In the end, everything is a gag.
Charlie Chaplin
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Eight years involved with the nuclear industry have taught me that when nothing can possible go wrong and every avenue has been covered, then is the time to buy a house on the next continent.
Terry Pratchett
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Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him.
Groucho Marx
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I’m a sarcastic, observational storyteller.
Tom Segura
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As always, whenever I’m contacted by the White House, I’m just humbled.
Steve Harvey
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When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, ‘Well, what do you need?’
Steven Wright
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Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.
Mitch Hedberg